


The Five Stages of Losing You

by MarvelousMenagerie (HiddenOne)



Series: 2020 Tony Stark Bingo [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Infidelity, M/M, Polyamory, Semi-Resolved Ending, Unhealthy Relationships, V-shaped polyamory, background Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, poly is at the VERY VERY end, semi-hopeful ending??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22427464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenOne/pseuds/MarvelousMenagerie
Summary: Tony didn’t think he was supposed to like the man his boyfriend was cheating on him with, but turns out that liking Bucky Barnes wasn’t the problem.The 5 stages of grief as Tony loses one relationship, +1 as he gains another.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James "Bucky" Barnes/Tony Stark, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Series: 2020 Tony Stark Bingo [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598911
Comments: 63
Kudos: 399
Collections: Tony Stark Bingo 2020





	The Five Stages of Losing You

**Author's Note:**

> Tony Stark Bingo square A2 : tension  
> Creator #: 3036
> 
> heaping amounts of gratitude to Rise Up Ting Ting Like Glitter, who beta'd and gave me wonderful feedback to help improve this fic and save my sanity. <3 <3 <3
> 
> RELATIONSHIP BREAKDOWN/SPOILERS for the fic -  
> We start off with Tony x Steve, but immediately Tony realizes that Steve is cheating on him with Bucky. Tony also ends up cheating on Steve with Bucky. By the end of the fic, Steve x Tony break up but Bucky x Tony get together. Bucky x Steve stay together, and so the polyamory tag is for the very brief end when everyone knows that Steve x Bucky and Tony x Bucky are dating in a V-style (but leaves hope for full triangle).

**1\. Denial**

“Hey honey,” Tony greeted as he shuffled into the living room. The trip back from Tokyo had taken more out of him than he expected, and collapsing down next to Steve on the couch sounded like the best plan. He didn’t even need to take off his suit jacket, did he? Wrinkles could be fixed, or maybe Steve would take everything off for him.

“Tony! You’re back!” Steve startled. His eyes were wide and he looked - 

Guilty. There was a twist to Steve’s mouth and an apology in Steve’s gaze. Tony blinked at Steve’s guilty face, slowly processing it. 

“Huh,” he murmured. So it finally happened. At least he’d been gone. That was considerate of them. “Yeah, I’m back. Tired, though. Might just crawl straight into bed.”

Tony’s chest was twisting, and he hoped his face was blank rather than displaying whatever emotions he was feeling. Or, the emotions he was supposed to be feeling. He felt mostly numb at the moment, and he thought he preferred that. 

“Oh, al - alright. Good trip, though?”

“Yup, all good.” Tony found the energy to pick up his pace to the bedroom. Anything to get out of awkward small talk as Steve either worked himself up to honesty or buried down the guilt. “See you later.”

“Yeah -”

Tony crossed the threshold and closed the bedroom door. He wasn’t completely safe. This was _their_ bedroom and Steve could enter whenever, but for now he was alone. Tony took a moment to pause and breathe. 

It happened. It finally happened. He didn’t have to wait or watch for it anymore. Steve had cheated, or at least done something that made Steve think he cheated. Whether the devil was in the details or they just kept it big picture, Steve had finally crossed a line. 

Tony was, perversely, relieved.

Mostly. Relief was the main emotion, now that he could feel again. He tamped down on anything else. He’d prepared for this. He’d seen it coming ever since Steve had dragged Bucky Barnes back to the Tower. This was the best case scenario, really. 

As tired as he was, Tony dragged himself into the shower. Even with his private jet, he still felt as if he carried remnants from the plane with him, stuck to his skin. And, well, if his relief got overtaken by sadness at some point, then all Tony had to do was turn his face up to the spray and let the water rinse away any evidence of tears. 

This was fine. He was fine. Hadn’t he just thought this was the best case scenario? Steve didn’t want to break up with Tony, which - definite pro. Steve also just wanted to do things with Bucky Barnes which - no, it wasn’t a con. People had poly relationships, and Tony could be one of those people. Despite what everyone, which apparently included Steve, seemed to think, Tony did know how to share. 

It’s not like Steve was one of those people who replied all to a department-wide email. Tony could never date anyone who was enough of an idiot to reply all and spam everyone’s inbox. Deal breaker.

So, Tony could handle this. If Steve didn’t want Tony anymore, then Steve would’ve just dumped him and moved on, right? This way, Tony gets to keep Steve. There was even still a chance this thing between Steve and Bucky was a one-off. Although Tony had to admit he had only seen this build from day one - or, well, day one in the twenty-first century. It was probably day 9,004 for Steve and Bucky. That this was a one-and-done situation was an infinitesimally small chance. Still, Tony was willing to take it. And even if it wasn’t a one-off and it kept happening - Tony could handle it. 

He could handle this. It was fine. 

Thoroughly wrinkled, Tony finally stepped out of the hot shower. The room was filled with steam, and he could barely breathe. His chest ached, and he liked that he could pretend it was from the humidity instead of anything else. 

Tony toweled himself dry and then padded back into the bedroom. He stopped, frozen, as he noticed that Steve was lying on the bed. 

Steve was naked. 

“Hey.”

Tony gulped. “Hi?”

He needed to be normal. He needed nothing to change. He needed the Steve that was his Steve, the Steve that had been here before Tony had stepped foot on the plane for the conference a few days ago. Tony loved that Steve. 

Except, Tony thought, he hadn’t seen that Steve for awhile. Things had been strained ever since the greasy, bedragged figure that Steve had brought back to the Tower had morphed back into something more like Bucky Barnes. Ever since Tony had realized that Steve was in love with Bucky, and that it was only a matter of time and all Tony could do was anxiously wait for whatever Steve had decided. 

Well, the time had come. Steve had made a choice, and part of that choice was needing Bucky but _more importantly_ part of that choice was keeping Tony. Steve hadn’t dumped him. Steve hadn’t left him. Steve hadn’t picked Bucky over him. 

Now, now was when Tony got his piece of Steve back. Tony didn’t need _all_ of Steve. Just a piece would do him fine. Bucky could have the rest. 

A genuine smile grew on Tony’s face. Steve was naked in his bed. What more could Tony ask for? 

“Hi,” Tony said again, less questioning. “Sorry, tired. But not,” Tony dropped his voice and the towel that he’d been holding, “too tired for _this_.”

Steve’s body relaxed. “Just want you to relax, sweetheart. Let me do all the work.”

“Sounds good to me,” Tony agreed, and crawled onto the bed. He leaned down and kissed Steve, warm and lingering. “Missed you.”

“Missed you too,” Steve breathed against Tony’s lips. 

Tony nestled those words into his heart. That’s all he needed, and it didn’t matter what else had happened. Tony didn’t need to know, and Steve didn’t need to tell him. All Tony needed was Steve, here, with him. 

Steve took him apart that night, being more attentive then Steve had been in months. 

Maybe Steve cheating on him was all for the best. Tony did love the perks - and the chance to show Steve would he would be missing out on if he left. 

* * *

**2\. Anger**

The question was, Tony realized, what the hell was so great about Bucky Barnes anyway?

He’d been asking himself that ever since Steve brought Bucky back to the Tower, but he still didn’t have an answer. He hadn’t invested much energy in finding out, though. He’d been giving Bucky space - Bucky had issues with people, anyway, and Sam and Steve were more than happy to be the pillars of support that Bucky needed. 

Now, though, Tony really wanted to know the answer. 

It was more than Bucky’s chiseled jawline or enchanting blue-grey eyes, Tony knew. There were a lot of pretty people in the world. Yes, sure, Bucky Barnes was one of them, but Steve was more likely to blush and duck his head around someone beautiful than he was to take a second glance. 

Steve’s draw to Bucky could be their bonding through the hard times or the war, or even just nostalgia from childhood. Steve never admitted to a relationship between them, but Tony had never pressed that hard. 

Tony hoped that wasn’t the answer. That would be too - dull. A boring conclusion, after so much build-up. Steve choosing his ex was just too simple of an answer, wasn’t it, because why wouldn’t Steve had just explained?

But Steve had said: we’re friends. He had my back when no one else did. When I had nothing, I still had Bucky. 

Like him and Rhodey, Tony had thought. Only while sure, Tony and Rhodey flirted, there wasn’t that underlying tension that Tony saw between Steve and Bucky. 

Steve had only laughed. We’re friends, he’d insisted. Only friends. We’ve just been through a lot. We’re friends, Tony, I promise. 

Tony had seen the looks exchanged, though. He’d seen the touches linger. He’d seen the rotation around each other. He’d watched and he’d waited and he’d worried.

He was justified. 

He was validated.

He was... curious.

What the hell was so great about Bucky Barnes?

Tony wasn’t perfect, he knew that. He might be a genius, billionaire, philanthropist, and superhero but he certainly had his flaws. Steve though - Steve had loved him anyway, or so he’d said. Steve had managed to convince him that he was wanted, broken mess and all. Steve didn’t want someone who Tony thought Steve ‘deserved,’ Steve _wanted Tony_. 

Steve just wanted Bucky as well, apparently, and now Tony was going to figure out why. 

“Hey Barnes, Steve told you I’m a genius, right?” Tony asked one morning as he breezed into the kitchen.

Bucky eyed him, not trusting Tony’s casual tone. He was right to be suspicious. Tony didn’t often greet anyone in the mornings, just grabbed coffee and left. 

“Yeah, I know.”

“Good. Good, that’s good. Because that means I can take a look at your arm, anytime you like. Since you haven’t been getting any service, right?” Tony flicked his gaze up once, to see how his offer was landing. He’d put only the lightest of inflections on ‘getting any,’ just to test. 

Bucky’s face was a stone wall. Not a single guilty flinch. Tony redirected his gaze back to his coffee, still feigning nonchalance.

“No, I’m fine.” Bucky went back to eating his cereal, hair covering his face. 

“Okay, whatever you want big guy. Just let me know if you change your mind.”

Tony breezed out, coffee in hand, as easily as he breezed in. Internally he was seething. Damn Barnes, rejecting the easy way. Now Tony would have to think of something else to try to get a handle on the guy.

The problem, or at least one of the biggest logistical problems, was that Tony was busy. He had the Avengers, he had Stark Industries, he had a boyfriend. What little time Tony wasn’t busy working or hanging out with Steve, Tony didn’t particularly want to give to Bucky Barnes, but his need to figure out what the hell was so great about Bucky was forcing him too. 

So, Tony needed to find time when both he and Bucky were free but Steve wasn’t, with the caveat that Steve needed to be occupied with something that wasn’t dating Tony or Bucky. Tony didn’t think Bucky had much to do, so Tony didn’t see that as an issue. But, because both Steve and Tony were busy people, it should be hard to find the time. 

Except Steve, being Steve, had made a schedule. He was being much more balanced with his time now that he was seeing both of them, which Tony appreciated. Tony just wished Steve had told him outright rather than having to wait for the pattern to emerge, but at least it wasn’t complicated. 

Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays are when Tony saw Steve the most. They had lunch together if schedules allowed, or maybe a dinner. Date nights were usually Saturday, when Tony usually didn’t have to stay late at Stark Industries. They had hot, hard sex all three days where Tony threw out every trick he’d learned. 

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Tony only saw Steve at night. Steve was busy during the day, sometimes giving various reasons and sometimes saying that Steve was hanging out with Bucky - because they were just friends, after all. Nothing wrong with Steve seeing his best friend. Steve slept in their bed at night - and Tony desperately wanted to know how Bucky felt about that - but he and Tony didn’t have sex those days. 

Sundays seemed to be flexible. A make-up day, if Avenging took over one of the previous days, but usually Sundays were more a team-focused get together. 

Out of seven days of the week, the boyfriend gets three, the mistress - mister? - gets three, and the last no one claims. It was fair, even if Tony wished he could’ve argued with the system. As the publicly declared boyfriend, shouldn’t he have the right to claim four days? 

But then Bucky could argue that he was there first, before Tony was even born, so maybe Tony shouldn’t start that debate. 

Besides, Steve still hadn’t come clean. Tony had to admire Steve’s ability to compartmentalize and manage two relationships. Tony struggled with just one, while Steve was fully present whenever it was one of Tony’s days. 

Steve’s system meant that Tony had it easy to plan to spend time with Bucky Barnes. It meant that Tony had to trade some of his Steve-time, but Tony’s curiosity was winning out. 

He had JARVIS schedule Steve for a tour of the children’s ward at Mount Sinai for Wednesday. Tony wasn’t going to give up one of his Saturday date nights, not for this, and Mondays were already horrible enough without having to make nice to the man his boyfriend was cheating on him with. 

* * *

**3\. Bargaining**

So, Wednesday. Steve had left with every intention of being back in time to take Tony to dinner, but Tony knew that the directors would rope Steve into activity after activity and Steve would absolutely say yes to help the kids. He’d planned it that way. Tony had already thrown out the idea that he was going to have to work late anyway, so there wasn’t a rush, and Tony felt humored at the irony that _he_ was now lying to spend time with Barnes.

This was for the best, Tony told himself. To make this work - for him, for Steve, for Bucky - Tony needed to know Bucky Barnes. Tony refused to be afraid of that knowledge. 

Fearing intelligence was not acceptable. 

Tony left work early, that Wednesday, feeling that lie to Steve weigh down his steps, and had JARVIS help him track down Bucky. 

Bucky wasn’t doing anything of great importance - lounging around and watching reality TV, and Bucky had plenty of time to do that later - so Tony felt confident in his plan to drag Bucky down to the workshop.

He didn’t want to go out anywhere in public, where cameras could catch Tony in a lie - even if Steve _should_ appreciate Tony’s willingness to get to know Steve’s best friend, he suspected the whole cheating thing would make Steve panic instead. So, that left activities in the Tower. Tony didn’t know what might interest a previously brain-washed assassin born several decades ago, but Tony hoped to find something down there to occupy them. 

“No thanks,” Bucky said politely. 

“What, because you’re busy?” Tony pressed, not able to stop the trickle of sarcasm that leaked into his tone. 

Bucky looked back to the screen and nodded, completely serious. “Catching up on culture. Sam recommended.”

Tony wanted to laugh, but he also wanted to strangle Bucky. This wasn’t supposed to be so hard. 

“Right, because Judge Judy is such a great reflection on the current state of humanity.”

Bucky shook his head, sympathetic. Tony assumed he was joking, but he honestly couldn’t tell. “You just missed her. Now it’s Divorce Court.”

Tony tried not to read too much into that. It wasn’t like he and Steve were married, so he was probably just projecting. 

He took a breath. Is this what was so great about Bucky Barnes? Really, though?

“JARVIS can record it for you. You never have to miss an episode, ever again. Now come on, chop chop. Time is money, supposedly, but I have a lot of one and not so much of the other and I can’t exactly flip them so…”

Bucky fiddled with a knife, twirling it around his fingers and passing it from hand to hand as he thought over Tony’s offer. 

Tony wasn’t too worried about the knife, because he’d seen Bucky do it all the time, but he was still feeling twitchy. Thoughts of what Bucky might be able to do with those long, skilled fingers weren’t exactly settling. Tony didn’t think it was jealousy that was burning in his gut, but the prospect of what it could be, if not jealousy, only made him twitchier. 

He was here for information - well, to convince Bucky to hang out with him so that he could get information. Not whatever his body thought he was doing, staring at how the knife moved through Bucky’s hands. 

“What’s this about?” Bucky asked quietly. His gaze was distant, emotions hidden, and he looked up at Tony without flinching. 

Tony swallowed. He probably should’ve expected this, but the words were stuck in his throat. He figured he could hang out with Bucky first, get a sense of things. What was so great about Bucky Barnes - well, the guy didn’t seem to put up with bullshit, he had that going for him. Something Tony could appreciate, he supposed. 

“I want to get to know you. Steve’s best - friend.” Tony didn’t mean to hesitate on the last word.

The knife stopped twirling. Tony’s heart beat loud in his ears. 

“Huh. This is new. Didn’t seem to care before,” Bucky said. There wasn’t a hint of accusation at the tone. There wasn’t a hint of anything, and Tony wasn’t sure where Bucky’s head was.

Tony rocked back on his heels and shrugged. 

“Two-way street there, Barnes.”

“I was recovering from being brainwashed by Hydra.”

“So, I was giving you space to recover from being brainwashed by Hydra.”

Bucky huffed a laugh, and it even sounded partially amused. “Okay, Stark. I’ll bite. What’s down in your workshop?”

Tony shrugged again. “Whatever you find interesting. There’s the armor, there’s some other Avengers gear. Got guns, you like guns, right? There’s a car or two, if you like cars -”

“Steve put you up to this?” Bucky’s voice was still blank, but Tony sensed danger.

“No. This is me.” He didn’t know how Bucky would react if Tony said that he already knew about the cheating. He didn’t want Bucky to go to Steve, because what if that forced Steve to do something drastic like break up with Tony? “This is me, wanting to get to know you.” 

Bucky smiled, but it wasn’t a nice one. “Is that a good idea, do you think?”

Tony grinned back, smile filled with challenge. “Let’s find out, shall we?”

It was a great idea, Tony realized, because Bucky Barnes was a lot of fucking fun. Sure, Bucky could brood with the best of them, but that just made it entertaining to poke the bear until it snarled and pretended bite back. 

Pretended, because Bucky did have enough control over himself that he wouldn’t actually slit Tony’s throat. Though Tony was intrigued to find that the Winter Soldier wasn’t quite gone, not entirely. Bucky’s gaze could go distant and cold, body still, and Tony maybe treaded a little too close to danger those first few times before he figured out when to keep poking and when Tony needed to stay quiet - but be there, unafraid.

But on the good days Bucky just liked to growl and snap, and Tony liked to tease, and then Bucky would huff and say something so fucking funny that Tony would end up laughing his head off. 

“No wonder you guys couldn’t even grow bananas properly.”

“Yeah, well where’s my flying car?”

“I didn’t escape Hydra for this.”

They had treaded cautiously around the topic of Steve at first, but Tony had kept pushing that particular button because, honestly, Tony enjoyed talking about Steve with Bucky. Bucky had so many stories, like Tony did, and so much love for Steve, like Tony did - and it was fun to share with someone, with Bucky. Someone who also loved Steve. 

It was more than just Steve, though. They messed around with Tony’s cars, or built a bike for Bucky that was not street-legal in the least, or watched six episodes of Divorce Court and argued over which person had it the worst. 

Tony loved it, and he could talk to Bucky for hours if only they had the time - so Tony made time. He skipped meetings, he delegated, he slept less. He pushed Steve to attend more events that required only Steve, even sometimes the Saturday date nights. Tony wanted to know more, and he needed time. 

It was easier than Tony thought it would be, to like Bucky Barnes, even as he knew that Steve continued to cheat. But really, was that so bad? They were making it work, weren’t they?

Steve still kissed him every night. Steve still told Tony ‘I love you,’ even more than he had before. All of what Tony had was real. It was only that Steve also kissed someone else, someone else who was really important to him. Someone else who Steve loved and who loved Steve.

Which was more than fine. Tony loved that his boyfriend had enough love for two people. And he _liked_ Bucky Barnes, even. 

Tony knew he was supposed to hate Bucky, hate the guy that his boyfriend was cheating on him with, but sometimes Tony was so grateful that someone else was there, experiencing Tony’s same problems. When Steve came back at night - on one of Bucky’s days - all snippy from some argument, Tony was so glad that fighting wasn’t just a ‘Tony and Steve’ thing. That Steve got riled up in relationships, in general, and it wasn’t always Tony’s fault. 

Tony was glad that when Steve got emotional about the past, after the airing of a new documentary on TV, that Tony could pat Steve’s shoulder and then text Bucky to come help. It was a Wednesday, it was Tony’s day, but Bucky would handle that better than he ever could. 

When Bucky was having a bad day, Tony could make sure that he was busy and leave Steve with the time and space to be able to be with Bucky. 

When Howard came up in conversation, Tony could pretend to go get drinks and really just flee, letting Bucky handle the fallout. 

When Bucky was having a _really_ bad day, Tony could drag Steve away to some super important event so Bucky could have the space he needed.

When Tony was tired after running around in verbal circles on a conference call all day, that Tony could kiss Steve goodnight, skip dinner, and know that Steve could go to Bucky.

It gave Tony an easy out, in a way, that any slack in their relationship Bucky could just pick up, but Tony felt it become a give and take. Bucky would text Tony a heads up about Steve’s mood, before Tony walked into an argument that Steve was already having with himself. Tony would text Bucky the details about his own fights with Steve, so Bucky knew whether to stay out of it or talk Steve around. Together they made sure to gently prod Steve towards the right person, no matter what Steve’s schedule said. 

They were good. This was all working. 

* * *

**4\. Depression**

Tony was sure that he wasn’t supposed to rely so much on the guy his boyfriend was cheating on him with. He wasn’t supposed to rely on Bucky this much, to appreciate that Bucky was there for both him and Steve. 

This wasn’t how the stories went. Was Tony just deluding himself? 

Or maybe Tony was the problem. 

He was starting to slip up. He’d forget that it was one of Steve’s ‘Tony’s day’, and that he was supposed to have plans. He pushed more and more onto Bucky - giving Bucky more days and dates, more moments when Steve needed support. Tony was just tired, all the time, and he wanted to blame Stark Industries and Avenging and that was a part of it but - but date night was becoming exhausting. Tony was tired of keeping the comments and the questions trapped inside. He was used to discretion, knew how to keep secrets but - but that wasn’t supposed to be his and Steve’s relationship. 

He thought it was fine, and he could handle it, but he was just too tired to deal with it. Whenever Tony asked about Bucky, Steve barely answered before deflecting the conversation. Before, Steve would talk about how great Bucky was, how much Bucky meant to him. Now Steve couldn’t handle Bucky’s name coming up at all. 

Steve refused every gentle push to let the three of them hang out together. Tony understood, because it would be hard on Steve to manage, but still. Tony wanted to spend time with them both _together_ , the least being that it would give Tony so much more time if he didn’t have to keep separating Bucky from Steve. 

And Tony was coming to rely too much on Bucky’s friendship to give that up and gain back that time again.

“What’s wrong, Tony?” Pepper tried to ask one day. She was concerned, her voice soft and welcoming, inviting Tony to spill his secrets. 

Tony covered it up with a grin. He didn’t want Pepper to know how weak he was. She would just tell him how he was better off without Steve, but that was just not true. Tony loved Steve. That was why Tony was doing all of this. He just wanted Steve happy. 

“Nothing, just sleep-stuff. Bit of nightmares, bit of too much sex.” 

Pepper wrinkled her nose. It wasn’t really a lie, in any case, and Tony was relieved that the conversation moved on. 

Rhodey tried too, asking if Tony was still happy. Outright asking if Steve was treating him right. 

“It’s Captain America, platypus.” Tony rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and Captain America can be a dick so answer the question.”

“Steve is just as stubborn as when we started dating, but so am I. We’re good, honeycakes. Surprisingly so,” Tony said, stuffing everything down. If Rhodey ever found out, Rhodey would never forgive Steve. Rhodey would never forget. The knowledge would loom over every conversation they had, both Tony and Rhodey, as well as Rhodey and Steve. 

What was it coming to, Tony asked himself as he rubbed his face after the phone call, that he was using the excuse of professionalism to cover for Steve?

Steve came to remind him about date night. It was Saturday. Tony’d had the tickets to a new gallery opening for two weeks now, and tonight was the night.

Tony didn’t think he could do it. And honestly, why did he have to? Steve could go with Bucky and be equally happy. 

“I’m not feeling great,” Tony said, pinching his thigh so his grimace would be more believable. “Nothing - nothing bad, I don’t think. I just don’t want to contaminate anyone, spread something if I have the flu, you know?”

“Okay.” Steve hid his disappointment well, but Tony still saw a hint and was confused. “We can stay in, I can find you some soup -”

“No, no, you go,” Tony insisted. He coughed into his fist, for believability, but offered up a smile. “You shouldn’t miss it. I’ll have JARVIS run some tests. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“You’re sick, Tony, you shouldn’t -”

Tony waved Steve’s protests off. “You can take care of me after you get back. Those tickets required a favor to get, by the way, so make sure you use both of them. I’ll see you later tonight, honey, okay? I want you to enjoy yourself.”

Steve leaned in for a kiss, and Tony gave him one. Super soldiers couldn’t get sick anyway, not that Tony thought the nauseous feeling in his stomach was actually contagious. 

“Go get in bed. You shouldn’t be working if you’re coming down with something. I love you.”

Tony knew Steve meant the words. He scrutinized that phrase each time, waiting for a weakness, for a crack in the authenticity. He hadn’t found one yet. 

“I love you too.” 

Tony meant it too. He did. 

When Steve had left, Tony sighed and buried his head in his hands. His stomach still churned, but he wasn’t sure that lying in bed would actually help. At least more work would distract him, and it’s not like Steve would be surprised if he found Tony still down here. After all, Tony had been working more and more lately.

“What’s going on?”

Tony startled as Bucky stormed in, arms crossed and face set. Bucky softened as Tony continued to stare, eyes wide. 

“What’s wrong, Tony?”

Tony shook his head. “Not feeling the best, is all. I’m sure it’s just a quick thing - shouldn’t you be with Steve? The gallery and everything?”

Bucky glared, and Tony recoiled. He annoyed Bucky, sure. Frustrated him. But Bucky hadn’t ever been angry at him, not until now. 

“You’re ‘sick?’” Bucky scoffed. “Pull the other one. I didn’t want to go to the art thing, so I foisted Steve off on Natasha, so now I’m here and you’re going to tell me what the hell is up with you and why you’re dodging another date.”

“What the fuck is your problem?” Tony bit out, anger coming to the surface. 

“What the fuck is _your_ problem?” Bucky bites back, getting in Tony’s face. “You keep blowing Steve off. You’re too tired, or too sick, or too busy.”

Tony scoffed. “Why would you care? More time for you.” 

Tony saw the words form on Bucky’s lips. He hoped it was a confession. That would match the stricken look on Bucky’s face. 

Tony’s own admission bubbled in his mouth. _I don’t know if I can do this anymore._

Bucky swallowed his words, so Tony did the same. 

Bucky took a step back and shook his head, the hard lines of his face smoothing out as his anger washed away. “What’s actually wrong, Tony?”

What _was_ wrong? Did Tony even know? He had been fine with this arrangement. He knew what was happening. He understood what Steve needed. Steve needed Bucky, but Steve still wanted Tony, and Steve could have both. Tony was fine with that - 

So what was wrong? 

“Steve is just -” Tony gasped for breath, not realizing he was that close to a sob. He gulped it down. “Exhausting, right now. I don’t know, I don’t know -”

“Hey, hey.” Bucky stepped closer, shushing him. He reached out, but dropped his hand before he could touch Tony. “You know he loves you, right?” Bucky asked. 

Tony crossed his arms and nodded. 

“And I can - I can see how much you love him too. It’s going to be okay, Tony. You’ll make it through this.”

Here was Bucky, telling him this. Telling him how much Steve loved _Tony_. Bucky, Bucky who knew what was happening. Bucky, who didn’t take this chance to try to break them up. Bucky, who was fine being Steve’s secret side piece. Was that loyalty, or something else?

Tony rubbed his face, wanting to scream.

“I’m supposed to hate you.” 

Bucky startled, but didn’t argue. His eyes widened, and Tony saw Bucky wonder - wonder if Tony already knew. 

Tony grabbed Bucky’s shirt, fisting his hand in the fabric and tugging Bucky to him. 

“I really, really don’t though,” Tony confessed. 

He couldn’t do this anymore. He couldn’t. He loved Steve, and knew Steved him, but Tony couldn’t continue this secret system they had.

“Tony -”

Tony leaned up, pulled Bucky’s head down, and kissed him. 

He was going to self-destruct, and he was going to get one last look at what the hell was so great about Bucky Barnes before he went. 

* * *

**5\. Acceptance**

Tony fucked Bucky against the workshop table. His hands were everywhere, grabbing with greed and coaxing as many sounds from Bucky’s mouth as Tony could manage. He had one last time to learn all the secrets of Bucky Barnes, and Tony intended to use his chance effectively. 

Bucky liked to be bit, and he also liked to bite. 

The scarred skin around Bucky’s metal arm wasn’t sensitive, but Bucky’s eyes went hot when Tony tongue went from skin to metal. 

Bucky’s broken whisper of Tony’s name when he came was one of the most beautiful sounds Tony had heard. 

“And there it is,” Tony said. He panted for breath, but he found the air to laugh. “Done.”

Bucky turned his head to lazily look at Tony. He was also, to Tony’s pride, trying to catch his breath, sweaty and disheveled and gorgeous. 

“Mmm, what?” Bucky asked, a smug grin on his face. 

Bucky reached out and thumbed at a bite mark on Tony’s shoulder that would definitely bruise. Tony shivered as the mark pricked with pain, but brought with it the sharp, hot memory of Bucky’s teeth sinking into and claiming Tony’s skin. 

Tony put everything off for one last moment. He leaned in and kissed Bucky, soft and lingering - like they’d been lovers for months instead of it being their first affair. Bucky kissed back, slow and lazy, but when Tony pulled back Bucky’s gaze was wary. 

Bucky sensed something was wrong. 

Tony smiled, sad. “I’m done. I cheated on Steve.”

Bucky frowned. “So? I thought - you knew, didn’t you? That he and I… It’s me, it’s not like he’s going to hold that against you. He’d probably be sad he didn’t get to watch.”

“You don’t - you don’t understand.” Tony shook his head, smile lingering on his lips. “I’m the playboy. That title doesn’t go away, and every journalist from bum-fuck Iowa to Shanghai has predicted that I’m going to step out on Steve and I just did.”

“What the hell does that matter? Tony -”

“I’m Tony Stark,” Tony interrupted, smile widening. “I can’t be trusted. Captain America can do whatever he wants, he’d _never_ cheat after all, he’s the perfect upstanding citizen -”

“Shut the fuck up for a minute, this is -”

“Insane! This is insane.” Tony threw his hands up in the hair and walked away, his knees still a bit shaky. It had been really good sex, and Tony had gone all out. “Steve can’t be bothered to tell me that he’s sleeping with you, and instead of calling it off I figure out what’s so fantastic about you and then _I_ end up falling for - sleeping - with you.”

Bucky stayed quiet, watching Tony with those piercing blue eyes. 

“It was good, by the way. Even if you didn’t have the rest of - well, _you_ \- going for you, I could see why Steve keeps coming back. God, this is a fucking mess. And I’m just - I’m done,” he concluded. 

“This doesn’t have to be a problem,” Bucky said. “It - it’s not me you have a problem with, yeah? So let’s just - let’s just all date each other. Threesome, or whatever, yeah?”

Tony snorted. “Does Steve even want to share you?”

“We made no promises.” Bucky stalked toward Tony, his hips swinging. 

Tony watched. He appreciated. 

“So then the only one who cheated here was me,” Tony said quietly. “Good, that’s - that’s good. I didn’t want to hurt you. That’s not what I wanted.”

Bucky tipped Tony’s chin up. “You just wanted to hurt yourself, is that right? Guess what, Tony. I don’t want to see you hurt either.” 

“This is fucked up,” Tony whispered. 

Bucky leaned closer, his lips just a breath away from Tony. He breathed Tony’s air for a moment, his warm breath rushing over Tony’s face. 

“I think that suits us just fine,” Bucky said, then closed the distance. 

Tony let himself be silenced. 

Tony was in bed with the lights out when Steve cracked open the door, but Tony wasn’t sleeping. He wasn’t even close to sleep - his heart was racing as his mind circled around the fact that he’d just cheated on Steve. He’d done it. He did it. Did he regret it?

Steve snuck in, staying quiet, but Tony turned on the bedside lamps.

“Oh, you’re awake! How are you feeling?” Steve came and sat on the edge of the bed. He brushed the hair off of Tony’s forehead. 

Tony grabbed Steve’s hand and cradled it against his chest. He felt worse than before.

“Sweetheart?” Steve pressed. “I knew we shouldn’t have gone. I picked up some soup for you, for tomorrow, or I wouldn’t be back so late.”

Tony didn’t want to look at the time. He didn’t want to estimate how long it would reasonably have taken Steve and Natasha, or whoever Steve took, to finish at the art gallery and then go get soup and get home. Tony didn’t want to do the math and see which side Steve ended up on. The side with telling the truth, or the side where Steve snuck down to see Bucky first? 

It shouldn’t matter. It didn’t matter - except Tony just wanted to believe Steve, and the wanting wasn’t enough anymore. 

He wanted the lies to end. He wanted the fallout. He wanted to be done.

“Steve -” the words stuck in Tony’s throat. “Steve, I - I cheated on you.”

Steve’s eyes went wide with shock. He froze, muscles tensing and still. He didn’t even look like he was breathing. 

“Tonight,” Tony pressed, filling the silence with words. “Just now. I wasn’t actually sick. I don’t feel great right now but -” Tony gave a little laugh, “that’s obviously my own fault.”

Steve recoiled, jerking his hand back from Tony’s grip. 

“How - how long?” Steve’s voice was hoarse. He stood, a foot from the bed, looking at the floor rather than Tony. His body remained eerily still. 

Anger burned in Tony’s throat, eating up Tony’s words and his air. He hadn’t thought he had any expectations left, but he did. He’d expected a similar confession, a sin traded for a sin. Honesty for honesty. 

“What does it matter?” Tony felt hollow. “Does that change anything? Who or where or how long - does it really make a difference? Do you want to know other details too, like what we did or how good it was -”

“Enough!” Steve snapped. He took one deep breath, held it, then let it out. “It would matter to me. It’s matters if you - if you - it matters _why,_ Tony. Why?”

_Because it’s Bucky_ , Tony wanted to say, but he held it back. He didn’t want it to matter. He didn’t want that to save him. He cheated and he deserved the punishment - or wanted it, even. 

Tony wanted Steve to leave him, because he didn’t know if he had the strength to leave Steve. He loved Steve. 

But he was also done. 

He’d almost hurt Bucky to do it. He had hurt Steve to do it. Steve looked so small now, curled into himself. Tony hated it, but he accepted it. His actions caused this.

Tony slid out of bed and faced Steve. He wanted to face this head on. 

“I wanted you to break up with me,” Tony admitted. 

Tony felt like he should be crying. He felt like he should be yelling. He felt like he should be feeling or doing _something_ , but all he felt was a cool numbness. His heart stopped aching, his stomach stopped twisting. A cool detachment enveloped his brain and took all the hurt away. 

He’d estimated the likelihood of scenarios as he covered the marks Bucky had left behind with his T-shirt and sweatshirt, and was envious that Steve didn’t have this problem because of the serum. He’d run the odds, curled up in bed with the bruises from Bucky still aching as he waited for Steve. Tony couldn’t see a future that kept him and Steve together. Steve’s confession or not, _Tony’s_ confession or not, eventually they’d end up right here, asking each other why they’d fallen in love with Bucky Barnes and hadn’t said anything. 

Maybe Tony should have broken it off at the beginning, before Steve even cheated. Tony had known then, hadn’t he? He’d known that eventually Steve and Bucky would get together. So in a way he’d asked for this, all those weeks ago. He should’ve known this was coming, but he hadn’t wanted to let go of Steve yet. 

Now here they were.

“No,” Steve protested, stepping closer. “No, Tony - tell me you still love me. Tell me we can fix this. This isn’t - this isn’t a deal-breaker for me, for _us_. Tell me how to do better and I will.”

Steve wasn’t going to break up with him. Steve wasn’t going to do it. Tony had to do it.

The numbness was gone. Tony wanted to puke. 

He took a deep breath. He said the words.

“You should’ve told me about you and Bucky.”

Steve stepped back, his face pale. “Tony - wait. Wait. I love you. You know I love you, but I love him too. I couldn’t choose, I couldn’t -”

“Then I’m choosing,” Tony snapped, and Steve’s mouth clamped shut. 

There were too many things Tony wanted to say, too many hurtful words that were on the tip of his tongue. Steve loved him, but Steve had hurt him. But he had hurt Steve too, with much more intention than Steve had. Tony had been the one who intended to break them. 

So rather than fight, like they usually would, like they’d done so many times before and still managed to be able come back together - Tony made a different choice. 

He was tired. He was done. And so Tony chose to walk away. 

Steve let him go. 

* * *

**+1 Hope/Relief/Something Else**

Bucky stormed into the workshop. 

Tony didn’t bother looking up. He knew Bucky was going to be mad, that Tony destroyed what Bucky had wanted to build. The only thing that surprised Tony was that Bucky was here, with him, rather than making love to a crying Steve. 

Or maybe Steve wasn’t that sad? Maybe Steve didn’t actually care, maybe it was all an act and Steve is glad he doesn’t have Tony and can just be with Bucky now -

“What -” 

“Why are you here? Steve needs you,” Tony said, cutting Bucky off. 

“You didn’t tell him!”

Tony whipped a glare at Bucky, offended by the accusation. “Yes I did!”

Bucky crossed his arms and glared right back.

“You didn’t tell him you cheated on him with _me_.”

“Figured that was your story to tell.” Tony shrugged. “Wasn’t sure you wanted him to know.”

“You damn well knew I did,” Bucky bit back. “You don’t think that would change things? How Steve saw it? How he deals with it?”

“Then tell him. I don’t care,” Tony lied. “It doesn’t matter.”

“The fuck it doesn’t!”

“Sorry if you don’t want to deal with him all by yourself. Maybe go pick out another boyfriend for him, spread the mess around, if you don’t think you can handle it.” Tony internally winced as the words left his mouth, but he refused to apologize. 

He didn’t ever apologize for cheating, either. He wondered if Steve realized that. 

Tony wouldn’t. He wasn’t actually sorry, and he was sick of the lies. 

Bucky stalked forward and got right in Tony’s face. 

“What if I pick you, hm? What if I want it to be you,” Bucky whispered.

Tony stepped back. He didn’t like how shaky his legs were, and he covered it by leaning against one of his bar stools. He wasn’t scared by Bucky, even as the cold glint of the Winter Soldier flashed in Bucky’s eyes. No, Tony was scared by the idea of facing what happened with Steve.

Tony thought he’d at least get a day before he’d have to look at what he’d destroyed. 

The space Tony had created disappeared as Bucky ate up the ground that Tony gave with one large step. Tony didn’t think he was supposed to like being stalked by the Winter Soldier.

“I’m done.” Tony didn’t like how it came out as a plea. He didn’t like how his gaze darted to Bucky’s mouth when Bucky leaned close. 

Bucky saw. Tony saw the flicker in Bucky’s gaze - like victory. But Bucky didn’t grin. 

“No, not with me. You’re not done with me.”

Tony stared up into Bucky’s icy blue eyes. The man his boyfriend had cheated on him with. The man that he had cheated on his boyfriend with. The man who Tony very much didn’t hate. 

His heart was too weak for this. 

“I can’t do that. Not to Steve,” Tony admitted. 

Bucky shook his head. Strands of his hair tickled Tony’s cheek, he was that close. 

“Wasn’t going to hide it from him. Want you both, and this time you’ll both know about it. Be with me, Tony. Stay with me.”

Tony laughed and rubbed his eyes to stave away the tears. Tony wasn’t skilled at relationships, but he’d heard you weren’t supposed to jump from one right into another. 

_This_ idea though, this idea scared Tony far, far less. Even if he wasn’t sure he should go for it. Even if he didn’t want to think of what was growing in his chest - hope or relief or something else entirely? 

“I just broke up with Steve, you asshole.”

“So?”

Bucky kissed his forehead. Tony shivered, and Bucky did it again. 

“Steve will never go for it,” Tony pressed.

“I’ll handle Steve,” Bucky whispered. He kissed Tony’s temple, then Tony’s cheek. 

“How the fuck can I trust either of you after what we all did? How can you trust me?”

“Because you still love Steve.” A tear escaped from Tony’s eye, and Bucky kissed it. “And you’re falling in love with me.” More tears. “And you’re an asshole too, just like us.”

Tony’s heart was already cracked open. He was already hurt. How much worse could it get? At least he’d be honest about it this time. At least they’d all be honest. Bucky hadn’t been the problem before. Now, it certainly wasn’t _wanting_ Bucky that was the problem. 

He reached up and threaded his fingers through Bucky’s hair. 

Tony still loved Steve, yes, but everyone else was allowed to love two people. Why not him?

Tony tilted his head and kissed Bucky. 

* * *

“No.”

Bucky grinned, wide and sharp. “You don’t get to say that,” he said, remaining calm in the wake of Steve’s rage. 

And it was rage. Steve’s face was reddening, more and more as Bucky’s words sank in. His chest was puffing out, the hands were going to the hips. 

“The fuck I don’t,” Steve hissed. “You can’t date Tony. You can’t -”

Bucky should probably have given Steve more time before springing the idea on him, but Bucky had promised Tony that he wasn’t going to lie to Steve. And Bucky didn’t want to, either, not after how it all turned out before. 

Besides it’s not like Bucky was going to wait until Steve stopped moping. Steve could mope for a long time - and honestly Bucky wasn’t all that sympathetic. 

“I can, and I’m going to, and you’re going to accept that,” Bucky interrupted. He didn’t want to wait for Steve to finish his whole spiel. “I have been dating him, kinda. Could pass off as friendship, I guess, except for that part when we had sex.”

Steve looked like Bucky had slapped him across the face with his metal arm. 

Bucky knew Steve would probably feel better if Bucky actually _did_. Blowing off all that steam in a fight was exactly what Steve needed. 

“You slept with Tony.” Steve’s words were like ice. 

“Yeah.” Bucky tilted his chin up. 

A small, vindictive part of him was happy at the hurt flashing through Steve. Bucky hadn’t managed to hate Tony, even though Tony stood in the way of Bucky having a public relationship with Steve. But Bucky did still hate Steve for it, just a little, because it was Steve’s fault in creating this whole mess.

But now Bucky was going to clean it up. 

“How long.” Steve’s glare couldn’t have been more frigid.

“Not as long as I’ve been sleeping with you,” Bucky replied coolly. “Don’t worry, I’m not the one who told him about us. He figured it out all on his own.”

Shame flashed across Steve’s face.

“Yeah, the whole ‘not telling him’ thing didn’t work out so well, did it?” Bucky pushed.

Steve walked away, and Bucky wasn’t surprised.

It took a few hours, but Steve came back. His clothes were stained with sweat, his face red, and Bucky wondered exactly how far and fast Steve had run to try to distance himself from this problem. 

“I can’t do this, Buck,” Steve said, his words even and measured. 

Bucky was sure he’d practiced his speech along the way. 

“I can’t do this, with you and Tony.”

“You can, and you will.” Bucky went still and let his eyes flash with a bit of the Winter Soldier. He wasn’t Steve’s easy-going Bucky Barnes, not anymore. Not entirely. 

Just because that’s who Steve wanted in his bed didn’t mean that was all there was to Bucky, which was another reason Bucky was clinging fast to Tony Stark. It was so freeing not to have the past hang over him, over them.

“If you want this to work, then everyone has to know and agree. I messed it up before, I know, but - you can’t force it to work, and I’m telling you that I’m not okay with -”

“I’m making it work,” Bucky argued. “And it’s your turn to take one for the team. You hid me like a dirty little secret so let’s just call this a trade.”

Steve shook his head. “That’s low.”

“Well you’re a cheater, so I guess that makes us all on the same level.”

Anger swelled in Steve again, and Bucky grabbed Steve’s collar to shake it out of him. 

“Make your choice,” Steve rasped. “Pick Tony then, and leave me -”

“You don’t get a fucking pity party. You started this mess.”

“You were right there with me, pal.”

“Where I belong,” Bucky said, and he meant it. He wasn’t Steve’s Bucky anymore, not entirely, but at Steve’s side is still where he was meant to be. He just wanted someone else there with him too - he wanted Tony. “This ain’t the end of the line, not for us.”

“You can’t just use that whenever -”

“I damn well can. I love you, punk. You can love Tony, too, and I know Tony still loves you. I think he’s falling for me, and I’m falling for him like hell. So just shut up and _wait_ for once in your God-damn life and maybe this will all work out for us.”

Steve was dumb-struck, and Bucky grinned at him. He held their foreheads together. 

“Come on. I got a plan to fix your damn mess. Just hold on.”

“You can’t be doing this for me -”

“You idiot,” Bucky said fondly. “I’m doing this for both of us. And Tony too. Could use some more happiness in here if you two wouldn’t be such idiots. Cut the bullshit every once in awhile, huh? You’re both the fucking same and going to make my life hell.”

Steve’s smile was small and trembling, but it was there and Bucky would take it. After everything with Hydra, all Bucky wanted was some peace and happiness, and he would do whatever he needed to do to get that. 

“You love us.”

“Christ help me, I do,” Bucky agreed. “Now let’s go fuck all those feelings out of you, yeah?”

“You’re an ass,” Steve whispered, but there was hope in his eyes. 

“I’m in good company,” Bucky said, and then dragged Steve to the bedroom. 


End file.
